Hello and happy Feb. I have had to take a day off work because of my back pain, which has become my precious problem child. When I listen to the song Pain In My Heart, I think about me and my back. My back is my heart. And it is broken.! I writhe around in work on the floor, doing ‘stretches’. My back says no no no, not more computer time and so I am always somehow horizontal. I feel that each day I end up on the floor is probably a day further away from receiving any sort of promotion. When my bosses see me on the floor I don’t imagine they think ‘she should have more responsibility’. I can’t figure out how people are not always on the floor at their jobs though. I cannot help spilling over myself everywhere. I was in Copenhagen for work and I got tonsillitis so I couldn’t chat, and instead I kept feverishly showing people my journal and photos on my phone. One of my colleagues said ‘Zoe, are you are scared of people ignoring you?’, which I felt was warranted, if not slightly excessive in its directness.
When a piece of writing is confessional and bad then it is so embarrassing but if something is fictionalised and bad then it’s fine, because that’s just like being in English at school (which for me was really nice, actually). I liked school because I loved flirting and revising.
I finished No One Belongs Here More Than You by Miranda July last moth; slowly because of how good every story is and needing to digest each of them properly. My favourite thing is her really prosaic metaphors. Or are they similes? Either way - her characters seeing odd parts of themselves in moments and objects of the everyday. “I wasn’t even totally sure we broke up until I saw you with her. You seem incredibly faraway to me, like someone on the other side of a lake. A dot so small that it isn’t male or female or young or old; it is just smiling.” (p.18) or “My mind bent like a spoon”. She always combines the commonplace with the absurd; each one taking the edge off the other until we’re left with all these weird rounded corners. A reality which kind of makes sense but also is insane. All the stories’ narrators pose questions to themselves and immediately answer them, oddly self understanding and we remain on side with them because our own anxieties seem to live inside of theirs. We love them for revealing themselves to us & we wish we could do the same thing.
I would love to take a peak inside everyone’s inner world for 5 mins. Just to see what colours they’re thinking in and what shape the days of the week are to them etc. Two people can also make one inner world, which is why spending time with a couple feels a bit like being outside a window. My nose always feels cold when I’m around two people in love. They’re in a womb…., a dome…. a coffin, a home. I am in the communal garden.
I hope I wake up and my back feels better. I usually creak out of bed and do my NHS pilates which helps. I will be getting my first sports massage on the weekend too. I repeatedly step onto uncharted territories. And Newsflash I have a valentine!!!
Okay that’s all from me. Miss you all so much but can’t think of anything to write about these days. I wonder………is there anything people want to hear about??? Or is that just so embarrassing to ask. Whatever I’m keeping it in - reply or somehow let me know!!
Love, Zoe
that quote... i die. Hope your back feels better soon. You should post your favourite things you got and at what place you got it from, and maybe more life updates. i <3 reading ur posts when i occasionally check inbox