I mentioned in my last Substack the theory that discussing new years resolutions is one of the most precious touchstones of friendship. I have noticed that a lot more people on TikTok are creating videos in a format that goes along the lines of “I want to change X about my life over the next X amount of time. I thought it would be fun to take you along with me”.
The ‘take you along with me’ is the part that seems to be the hook. I am currently being ‘taken along’ by so many people. Every couple of days I scroll past an update from the girl doing a ‘no spend’ year, or a video of the user who is attempting to ‘change her life in 365 days.’ A new addition is the girl who is trying and do all of her ‘figs’ (taken from The Bell Jar analogy of things you could do with your life. In my mind the whole analogy of the fig tree is that they rot because you can only choose one, but to each their own & also she is very posh so can probably live many lives in one.) I was momentarily ‘coming along’ with someone on a 9 month world cruise but I started scrolling past too fast and my phone got the hint.
Bear in mind I haven’t actively followed any of these people; I’ve just watched for enough seconds for my phone to know I want to see how these self improvement journeys pan out. I was trying to pin point what the appeal of ‘bringing along’ a random, unknown mass of people as you try to change your life is. On the one hand it emulates the feeling of a friend in your life; users returning from the algorithm, checking in and praising you as you move forward, cheering you on if you falter. On the other hand I find it hard to believe it’s a good accountability system seeing how easy it is to evade truth and paint facades online. I suppose if you don’t have someone in your life cheering you on, it would feel really nice to get it from your phone. The problem is that validation from strangers is highly addictive, and like many other addictive substances, generally harmful in the long run. That’s why it’s actually a good thing I never went viral on TikTok (said with fist clenched).
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Being back in Berlin is perfect despite being overcome with existential panic this past week. I am torn between my lovely job and the nagging feeling that there is something closer to my soul/values/creativity I would like to be doing. As I write that i’m wondering if it’s impatience and wandering eyes, or if it’s actually valid. I hate that no one can answer that question for me. I feel this must be why people join the army. I wonder if they need any Art Directors?
On the bright side, I was walking towards McDonalds this morning and got a sudden feeling that I am actually not running out of time. I didn’t realise how much I feel like I’m racing against the clock until it lifted momentarily. Unless something tragic happens, I actually have so much time left to do the things I want. Those things being: fall in love and have a baby and make work that holds up a mirror to society & myself. Also some sort of cabin in the woods renovation situation.
Callum had a dream that he was an old man watching his current self sleeping. His old-man-self felt like, "there he is, thinking he’s close to figuring it out, but actually there's still so much he doesn’t know and still so much time to learn it" When he told me this I got goosebumps. I didn’t tell him about the McDonald’s revelation incase he thought I was copying him.
I wrote in my notes last night “the only reason I would care about being successful while i’m young is to try and impress other people. Being younger or older wouldn’t change the actual feeling of success” (which i’m defining as consistently creating work that resonates with me and receives recognition and engagement from people I truly admire.) The issue is that I believe I am happening to the world, whereas I’m pretty sure the world just keeps happening, whether i’m here or not.
My crisis is not new, but has been made acute by a number of things. On Christmas Day I watched Caroline Aherne Queen of Comedy on BBC2, then watched it again two days later and again yesterday. I am obsessed with her mind. She truly appreciated how hilarious and precious humans are, and then spent her life magnifying those moments and making art about them that never made anyone feel left out. She stayed so true to her own voice; something I can’t help but feel I sacrifice repeatedly almost everyday. I’m not grandiose enough to say that working in advertising needs that kind of artistic purity, or that it can’t be fulfilled outside of your 9-5. I just have this fear that if I carry on learning how to tune out my taste, it will wither away until I’m left with just a shaky memory of it even being there in the first place. Maybe I’m making excuses and I just don’t think what I’m working on is cool or that I’m particularly good at it — but that feels rubbish as well.
The problem is I love being a part of something bigger than myself and also receiving money in return for a service (not a given these days). I love chatting and laughing and using a coffee machine. I love the possibility of making things with money that isn’t scraped together. I love learning from people who have been doing things longer than me and asking them stupid questions. I just wish I could find way to do it at peace, for companies and brands I believe in. I’ll figure it out & obviously I’m so lucky either way.
I always return to Elizabeth Gilbert talking about the difference between a hobby, a job, a career, and a vocation. Nothing has ever given me more clarity than that video on, as she says it, “finding a way to be in the world”. I also love Leah Maldonado’s open journal about her time at W+K, Nike and Jordan on Are.na. She is such a genius and I hope to meet her one day. Any other writing/talking/thoughts on this topic pls send to me. You can just reply to these emails I think?
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I just wrote out a whole paragraph which was way too smug about how nice these last few weeks have been but deleted it to keep as a precious nugget for myself. I’ve started leaving my journal open with a pen by the kettle so that when i’m waiting for water to boil and I can write down things i’m grateful for. Watching Eileen I was reminded of the final chapter where she writes this:
I feel like Eileen in many ways because she is a freak with gross habits (not shown nearly enough in the film), but also because she feels things very deeply and sometimes goes too far.
Love youuu all,
Zoe xxxx